Cut the Shit

My Date with Insecurity

Now that we’re a good couple of days since I went on the date, I feel much more able to talk about it in detail. It wasn’t THAT bad of a date…I think I just psyched myself out and then ended up feeling horrible when it didn’t go my way.

Here’s the dizz:

I met my friend Nans at GYM bar in Chelsea around 7:30pm. We had a few drinks and my confidence totally soared as I was hit on by everyone in our local vicinity. I especially needed this ego boost since I was having an exceptionally insecure kind of day. I called Kelly and Ari and asked them to tell me how wonderful I was and how smoothly the date was going to go. In the past month, when I’ve gone out on dates, I hadn’t been that nervous at all. Some sixth sense inside of me told me that I was really going to like this guy, whereas with the other ones, I was rather bored by them.

When we got to View Bar, Nans and I got a drink and waited for V to show up. The minute he walked in the door, I was attracted to him. He was wearing a polo shirt and bad jeans (what’s up with masculine guys and their bad jeans!?) We shook hands (his grip was FIRM) and talked for a bit before heading out to dinner. The conversation was fairly easy, but having Nans there made it a little difficult for me to have any one on one time with V.

We walked up a few blocks and went to “East of Eighth”, one of my favorite gay friendly restaurants in the city. I ordered a glass of wine and they both ordered iced tea. (insert my total snores) I got the pizza and a salad and ate absolutely none of it. V got the meatloaf which was incredibly dorky and totally turned me on. We talked about finances, family, and our careers. V is an accountant and owns his own apartment in some Chelsea condo. He has broad shoulder and great arms and he was even wearing a metal necklace – which was a HUGE plus for him, considering that I wear a metal necklace too.

I caught V looking at me during random moments of the night and I thought “this is going fairly well”. However, I wasn’t able to read him completely, so I asked Nans to go outside and have a cigarette with me. He was resistant at first and that pissed me off. My close friends would have been up and out the door before I even asked. It was kind of embarrassing to have to be like “Um…PLEASE Nans?”

When we were outside, Nans told me that he thought V was interested. I told him to find out and kick me under the table if V wanted to hang out with me after dinner. Plan was set in action and I went back inside. The minute I sat down, Nans kicked me under the table and I thought “Excellent”. Then he excused himself and went to the bathroom so V and I could talk.

Here was our conversation:

Me: So how is tonight going?
V: Pretty good.
Me: I think so too.
V: Yeah.
Me: So did you want to go get a drink after dinner?
V: No, I think I’ll just go home.
Me: (WAIT WHAT!??! Nans totally kicked me under the table!): Oh ok.
V: Cool.
Me: Let me ask you something.
V: Shoot.
Me: Are you not interested in me (this is the moment when I OFFICIALLY lost my game)?
V: Um…well…no I didn’t say that. I just have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. We can have dinner again next week or something.
Me: (mortification ensuing) Oh, yeah sure. You’re just hard to read so I don’t want to be too forceful.
V: You’re not. It’s cool.

AND THAT WAS THAT!

I should have definitely kept my mouth shut. I was just in total shock that he wasn’t interested in me. Cuz seriously…he wasn’t like a fucking supermodel and he didn’t have the BEST personality of all time. I figured it would be EASY for me to snag this one. And I think because he didn’t like me, I liked him more. Isn’t that SO the way?

I should NEVER have asked him if he wasn’t interested. That made me so embarrassed and I basically crawled out of the restaurant, shook his hand and ran away with Nans. I began overanalyzing everything and by the time I got to Tessa’s, I was a wreck. I totally did it to myself. V didn’t do it. Nans didn’t do it. I picked away at myself until there was nothing left, but blood and bits. But as I said in my last post, Tessa put those pieces back together and my night was completely salvaged, even if I did get a little too drunk.

Anywhiz…V hasn’t called since dinner and I highly doubt he will. Ari seems to think he will and so does my mom. If he does, I will surely report back about it. Part of me would love to have dinner again, just us. But part of me wants to never see him again as I feel as though I made myself out to be a total chump.

FUCK.

Good thing I have therapy after work. Talk about needing it more than ever. I’m sure my therapist will be like “But WHY do you feel so heartbroken about this Joe?” “But WHY did you feel like you had to ask him if he liked you?” “But WHY…” and then I’m going to slap her in the mouth.

(Shudder) And that’s that.